Into The Embrace Of Fire: Chapter 14

 

Chapter 14

 

I was walking down Trinity Street and enjoying another rainy day. I probably wouldn’t miss these crazy days in here. I passed the Whistles shop. I was getting closer to the Michaelhouse Café and Center. I wanted to drink some tea. What I found interesting about myself was that I was an Englishman even before I came to Cambridge. My preferred beverage was tea. I arrived at the café and ordered a to-go spicy Chai. I didn’t want to sit in there. I was more interested in the following store, which was The Cambridge Contemporary Art. The shop didn’t have any breathtaking paintings or sculptures, but it was entertaining for me to watch new ideas.

I knew the skills and the idea behind them. I took my order and walked to the other shop. I was disappointed when I saw there weren’t any new paintings and sculptures, which made me pass the shop faster than I thought. There was another gallery not too far in King’s Parade street, the Lawson Gallery. I headed toward King’s Parade street and thought about what would happen if I dropped everything and started painting. I wasn’t bad at it. I liked to do it occasionally, but I never thought to do it professionally. What if I did it? I wasn’t struggling to make any money. As far as I knew, I was one of the wealthiest kids in the University, so what stopped me from doing it?

Nothing.

But if I wanted to choose a career between being a mathematician or being an artist, I would always choose to be a mathematician. Mathematics has always been a good friend of mine. The world of mathematics was always fascinating. Some of the works were useless at the time, but maybe in the future, it would come in handy. So far, whatever I did wasn’t meaningless—programming computer, working in physics and chemistry labs, even doing some works in biology. Who knew that one day I would end up helping biologists? Marshal would love that. I missed him. He was a good friend and my only friend. However, whenever I talked to him, he always reminded me of Calysta involuntarily. He reminded me of those happy times that I was with her, and deep down, I always wanted to ask him about her. I wanted to know about her status. Was she single or not? It wasn’t my business anymore. She could do whatever she wanted to do, but the curiosity was driving me crazy. I never asked him about her when we were talking. He knew I wanted to know about her, but he never mentioned her to me.

After a while, before I knew it, the friendship gap between him and me became so huge that I needed to cut it before it became too late for me to get back. I could always apologize to him for being a dick, but the thought of losing my best friend was more painful. I needed time. I needed to get over Calysta.

Marshal was a good person. He was a good boyfriend to Aiko, and they were doing great. I was afraid to break him apart from her. I didn’t want him to get in a fight with her in order to be on my side. I didn’t know that would happen or not, but I didn’t want to be part of it.

I arrived at the Lawson Gallery, but the gallery was closed. So was the Nomads. The stores were closing one by one.

My tea was about to be finished. Luckily, the Copper Kettle was open. I went inside and ordered another tea to go. My trip home was a long walk. After refilling my cup, I headed toward Trumpington Street.

People were passing by. All those bicycles that had been chained, now most of them were gone. Everyone was trying to get home.

It took me a while to arrive at Mill Park, where I rented an apartment.

The street was quiet. The birds were sleeping. The mosquito and moths were dancing around the streetlamps.

The mood was perfect for me to call it a day.

I went inside and turned on the lights.

“SURPRISE!” everyone cried in my apartment. My heart was about to jump out of my chest. I knew it was my birthday, but I never told anyone about it. I didn’t expect any birthday party. How did they find out? I wondered.

I smiled; I turned off the lights and went outside again.

Then I heard them protesting. Some of them laughed.

I went inside and turned on the lights again. They cheered me again.

They really surprised me. I had never had a surprise party before. Corwin, David, and Winn were in the crowd. Some of the students from another department were in the crowd too, and most of the masses, I had no idea who they were.

Then they all started singing “Happy birthday to you” to me. I was pleasantly surprised and thanked them all for doing it.

The most surprising thing was to see Marina in the crowd. She came with her friend to my birthday. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was happy to see her. She was wearing a one-shoulder black Grecian dress with bead embellishment on one side. She looked really sexy in it. She smiled the moment she noticed I was looking at her. I smiled back. I didn’t know why I smiled back; nevertheless, I did it. I think it was the right thing to do.

I was slightly embarrassed by having those clothes on, so I excused myself and went to my bedroom. I put on my long-sleeved black shirt, which was made in France, and black pants and a belt. I chose a red tie to put on. Still, I didn’t feel comfortable wearing them. I was never prepared for this kind of thing. I used a little bit of Clive Christian cologne to get rid of any foul smell I brought home from that long walk. Finally, I was ready to face the world. I came out of the bedroom and greeted them one by one and thanked them for showing up for my birthday. When it was Marina’s turn, I was addled. Forcefully, I put a smile on and thanked her for showing up. She smiled back, but I felt it wasn’t sincere. I got the feeling that she came to my birthday with force. She raised her hand for handshaking; I had no other choice but to accept her hand. Her soft and warm skin gave me a shock. I didn’t expect that much delicacy from her. I always imagined her to be rough and rigid; it was another mystery for me. The girl who turned me down in a heartbeat was fragile like a flower. Against my wishes, I let her hand go. After that, I turned my attention to her friend. I greeted her as well, but unlike her friend, Marina, she was more welcoming and happier to see me. She even kissed me on both cheeks, and my response to it was only a smile, and I thanked her for coming.

It took me a while to be a good host by thanking them all, but it all finished. I went to the kitchen to drink some water. I felt so thirty. It was too much unexpected excitement for me. I would never imagine that Marina would come to my birthday. I thought she didn’t like me. I thought I was nobody to her, but here I am, and here she was. I was pleased to see her.

“Hey, birthday boy, what are you doing here?” the voice behind me said. I turned around. It was Corwin.

“Oh, nothing. What’s up?”

“Not much. How do you like your party?” he asked. I saw the wry smile.

“All of this is because of you, isn’t it?” I asked him.

“You can thank me later.”

“Thank you, and because of that, I want to kill you with this glass of water.”

“And this is what I get for being a good friend.”

“Just be happy that I am not crucifying you right now, right here. How did you get in the apartment?”

“The’r you ar’. What ar’ you do’ng here?” David asked when he came to the kitchen.

“Not much, Dave,” I responded.

“Ar’ you hiding he’r?

“No. Only thirsty.”

“Well, Corwin, I ne’d you to do somting for me. I ne’d an ambassador,” he said while having a big smile on.

We coined the word Ambassador. We used it in a sense that meant being a wingman. The “Ambassador” goes and talks to the targeted girl. He tries to excite another person by saying his status and capability and other good qualities. He tells her about the rumors he heard about another guy and sometimes shows some jealousy. He advertises him so much that the poor girl is going to be “curious.” The word Curious in our language means being trapped and confused. After that, the “Dealer,” whom I guess to be Winn, will seal the deal. He just goes there and shows he is pissed off for seeing the guy who is just being advertised.

“Okay, I gotta go,” Corwin said. He always liked the game.

I smiled. Even on my birthday, they didn’t lose a chance to score someone. I took a deep breath and went outside to talk to my guests. To my surprise, it was a really good party, and I was having fun. I danced a lot to the extent that I couldn’t feel my feet, so I took a break and went outside to get some fresh air. The night was great, and I thought what a great night it would be if I danced with Marina.

“Hello, Mr. Adalbert,” a woman’s voice said behind me.

“Oh, Hi,” I said while I was caught off guard again. I turned around and saw it was Marina. I smiled involuntarily again.

“Is it okay if I stay here too?” she asked me.

“Yeah, why not?” I said uncomfortably.

“The inside was too hot with all those people,” she said.

“I know. I am here for the same reason. I hope you are enjoying the party though.”

“Well, I do. Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me. I was surprised by seeing all those people in my apartment. Believe it or not, I don’t know most of them,” I said. She laughed at my comment, which made me smile again. There was silence after that.

“Mr. Adalbert, I don’t know if it is the right time or not, but I have to say how sorry I am for my bad behavior in the past. I shouldn’t have done that,” she said while looking away and trying to avoid eye contact. I smiled, but I wasn’t happy to hear those words. It was true; she hurt me, but I never blamed her for it. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for her, and for that very reason, I was pissed off. I only wished she gave me the time of day to know me so I could convince her that I was good enough for her.

I put my hand on my head and let my fingers go through my long hair. I was trying to think of a way to answer her.

“I’m not really good at social life. Certainly, I am not an expert to say what you did was good or bad, but to be honest with you, I never blamed you. I believe it was only natural because a girl like you only chooses someone she believes she deserves best. The fun fact is, we aren’t the only species who do that, and that is the lesson I learned from biology,” I responded. She smiled at my response, making me happy because I thought I had given the correct answer.

“Thank you,” she said while looking down, and then she looked up and gave me a glance, which made me nervous. “But it doesn’t explain why you were avoiding me.” I knew what she was talking about, and it would be stupid to insult her by saying “I don’t know what you mean by saying that.” I had to come clean, but in a way that it wouldn’t make the matter worse.

“Have you ever had a feeling that you want something but you can’t have it?” I asked her and waited for her answer. She nodded.

“Well, it was the same for me. Not that I am comparing you with a car, but I felt like a person . . . who . . . couldn’t afford to pay for an expensive car, and the best way he found was to fill the void by changing his route to his home. Do you understand what I am trying to say?” She giggled at my answer, but she nodded.

“I know . . . I am Stupid,” I said. While she was laughing, she shook her head to show me she disagreed with me. The voice of her laugh was sweet, but it had a personality in it. I knew she was intelligent, and her behavior just confirmed what I thought of her, maybe because I was a weak person to think like that.

I felt a little bit chilly. I came out without a jacket, and I noticed that she didn’t have a coat either. Then I saw she was hugging herself. I believed it was because she felt cold. If I had a jacket, I would have offered it to her. That was a gentleman’s move. I don’t know, but I believe the girls like that.

“Do you still want to stay outside?” I asked her.

“Yeah, why?” she asked me in response.

“Well, I’ll be back,” I said and went inside the apartment. I forgot to ask her where she put her jacket, so I went to my closet and took one of my jackets for her. I came back and handed her my coat. I gave her one of my slim black autumn jackets. It looked nice on her, but it was a little bit big for her size. I wore the other one, which was a brown leather jacket. She thanked me and put the coat on like a blanket.

“If you feel so cold, then why don’t you go inside? Is it so bad you’d rather stay outside?” I observed.

“No, I just don’t feel like it. I want to stay out a little bit more.”

“Do you want some coffee or tea to torture yourself a little bit smoother? You know, I won’t judge, or if you are a hard-core masochist, I could bring the tea and drink it in front of you while you are chilling in the cold,” I said it as a joke. It worked; she laughed.

“If you bring me a cup of tea, I won’t complain,” she said.

Without any delay, I went inside and brought two cups of tea. She thanked me again. After that, there was a long awkward silence.

“I’m glad you are here,” I said it finally while looking at the street. I didn’t want to look at her because I was afraid of her reaction. I was worried she would reject me again. I got the feeling she was kind of unpredictable.

“Thanks, but why?”

I turned around and looked at her. She was smiling. She wasn’t mad at me. I smiled back.

“You know, I reviewed the day I wanted to talk to you more than thousands of times in my head. What could I have said differently to make you take a walk with me and hear me out? That day became my dream and nightmare.” I looked at the street and back to her again to see any negative signal. When I didn’t see any, I continued by saying, “I felt I was different from others. I mean . . . other males. I just want to know what you were thinking about me. Did you . . . Did you hear any kind of rumors about me?”

“No,” she answered.

“Then why? Why didn’t you want to hear what I wanted to say?” I asked. I saw her looking down. She was trying to avoid any eye contact with me. I felt she wasn’t proud of what she did, but she was too proud to confess her mistake. I didn’t mind that. After all, I accepted her whole. I received her good and bad parts altogether, so I smiled instead of pressing on and putting her on the spot. I smiled at my bad fortune. I smiled at those bad memories that I had to carry with me to Switzerland.

I looked at the sky above me. “The sky is so black and dark, and it is waiting for an artist to paint on it. It is a beautiful canvas up there.”

“Do you paint?” she said finally after a long silence.

I looked at her. She was looking at the sky as well. “I do sometimes.” After that, I looked up at the sky again.

“The picture you drew on the board was beautiful. Was it someone that you knew?” she asked.

I tried hard not to laugh. Here I was trying to change the subject for her sake. “No, it was a picture of a girl that I saw on the cover of a fashion magazine.”

“Do you like those kinds of beautiful girls?”

“Define beautiful,” I asked curiously.

After a bit of pause, she answered me, “It is difficult to answer it. In my opinion, it is having some features that others don’t, which is being called ugly.” Then she looked at me to see my reaction. I think she checked on me to know If I was laughing. I didn’t.

“In my definition, it is an illusion. There is not really a beautiful or ugly person. It only shows the different tastes. It only shows how much girls spend their time in the mirror to attract boys, which I understand. The boys are doing the same by going to the gym and buying expensive cars if they aren’t using some other stupid things, like putting on makeups.” She laughed at my response. She knew I was right, but I knew she would challenge me on that.

“What do you mean you understand?” she asked.

“I had a friend back in high school. He won a medal in biology, and his favorite subject was Evolution. Once, he told me about research that has been conducted on the Guppies in three different ponds. The first one had a predator, blue acara, Aequidens pulcher. The second one had a predator that wasn’t so aggressive as the first one, and the last pond didn’t have many predators. The result was astonishing. The male guppies, in order to mate with females, needed to have a brighter color, which makes them easier for the predator to spot them and eat them. The other pond with a less aggressive predator was the same as the pond with no predators. Both ponds had the male brighter color and bigger in size.” I looked at her. She was excited to know where I was going by telling her this thing. “The pond that had an aggressive predator, Aequidens pulcher . . .” When I said pulcher, I just remembered the day I met Calysta and her mispronunciation. It made me sad. Still, I continued my story. “It could develop kinds of guppies that can blend in the environment and hide from the predator, but here is the fact. They become glumier than other two ponds, but they never perfected it. They kept themselves shiny enough to make sure they met the minimum requirement for the female to mate them, and if they didn’t, I mean, they didn’t become shiny enough and instead camouflaged themselves in the environment, they do live longer than any other males, but they never have a chance to mate any females, so their genes are doomed, and it is going to be last in line.” I let it sink in.

“You mean we have to work hard for beauty?” she asked me. I wanted to laugh at her response, but I didn’t.

“First of all, human selection is much more complex than guppies. We shouldn’t mix them up. I brought it up because I wanted to illustrate the illusion of beauty. I tried to show you the meaning of attraction. The guppies don’t know about beauty, can’t paint, and don’t whistle when they see a really colorful male guppy passing by them. However, they tend to be attracted to more colorful males, which means something triggered inside them. The funny thing is, our responses to the colorful guppy are going to be the same. To choose between a colorful guppy and a gloomy one, we tend to choose the brighter one. It isn’t because we are attracted to them in order to mate with them, but because, I think, like a female guppy, we are simply attracted to a more colorful one,” I said and hoped she would understand what I tried to say.

“So you mean there isn’t such a thing as beautiful or ugly, and they are just illusion, but what we have is only attraction, am I right?”

She was close, but she didn’t get what I tried to say. “Let’s put this subject on rest, okay? As you mentioned earlier, it is a difficult subject to talk about, but to answer your question, My taste for beautiful girls, I don’t see any beauty anymore. I mean, I only see a reflection of lights on the surface of the objects. I am more like a blind man who is in the darkness. The only difference between a blind man and me is, my darkness has more colors.”

She laughed at my response. “You just made me more confused,” she confessed.

“Do you want to know how I fell for you?” I saw a shock on her face. Before she could answer my question, I continued by telling her the story between Corwin and me, how he forced me to choose a girl in the class, and the events after that. It was a long story, but she showed some interest, and because of that, I told her everything. In some parts of the story that I was telling her, she laughed so hard that it made me stop a little bit so that she could catch a breath.

“The reason I told you the story was to show you that I didn’t target you because you were beautiful. However, you are one of the most beautiful girls in our university. I found out about your beauty after I found out how many men got rejected by you. Some of them were so broken that they claimed getting accepted in Cambridge was much easier than being accepted by you.” She giggled at what I told her.

I wanted to tell her the reason why I didn’t see any girls beautiful anymore. It was because I only saw one beautiful girl, and her name was Calysta. After Calysta, the world stopped being beautiful to me.

“It’s such a shame,” I said while simpering, but deep down, I was sad. I was having a good time with her. She made me happy.

“What do you mean?” She was smiling, but she had a curious face on.

“I wish we had more time. The semester is going to be finished in a month, and I just found a good friend,” I said it with a sad tone and tried to keep my happy face on.

“Well, we come back next semester.” She was still smiling, and it died on her face when she saw me shaking my head sadly as a disagreement. I guess she expected an explanation for my odd behavior.

“I guess that’s it for me. My next semester will be in Switzerland, where I also work too,” I said, but her facial expression told me that she needed more explanation. She wasn’t smiling anymore. She was deadly serious. “I am going to CERN.”

“What?” She almost screamed at me.